Lullabye

Lullabye, Goodnight My Angel - Billy Joel

I still remember the lullabye my mom used to sing to me when I was a baby...well, I just remember one line and it goes something like "Go to sleep, my darling baby....mommy is not far away..." The rest of the memory is hazy but that line and the melody stand out and will be with me always, no matter how old I get.

Sometimes I sing that to Lauren, but there is another song that I sing to her almost every night...it is aptly titled "Lullabye" by Billy Joel. It is a sweet song that he wrote for his own daughter while he was going through a divorce with Christy Brinkley. Even though the context might not be universal, the sentiment is. It's basically about a father's never-ending love for his baby girl. Click the tape above and you can hear the song.

Those close to me know how sentimental this lullaby is for me and has more meaning for me than just a song about the love for a child. See, this song for me carries with it memories of my father, who died in 1999.

In the summer of 1998, his last summer, I tried to spend most of my time with Dad. He was sick with pancreatic cancer and was undergoing chemotherapy and radiation treatments. His prognosis wasn't good, but he was hopeful. Always hopeful.

At the time, I was working for a clinical laboratory in Sacramento. Peter lived in an apartment nearby. We weren't engaged yet, but he would come over almost every evening after work and hang out with me and Dad. He knew I couldn't go out on regular dates because I needed to spend time at home. My Mom worked nights so I cooked dinner and kept Dad company and took care of him. Most nights we stayed home and watched TV. Peter and Dad got to know each other well during those nights. They sat together in the TV room, watching the ball game or PBS (they shared a fondness for nature shows). Sometimes I played the piano while dad sat in his recliner, listening with his eyes closed.

I was going through a Billy Joel piano phase at the time so I was playing through his songbook. "Lullabye" was one of my dad's favorite pieces. He hummed along while I played, and after the last notes would smile and say, still with his eyes closed, "I like that one..."

I don't know if he knew the words...I think he just liked the melody. But I'm sure I sang it a couple of times and he probably knew what it was about even if he didn't know it word for word. Those were very emotional days. Even though we didn't talk about it, we knew that there was a chance his cancer would not go away. Despite our optimism, the fear and dread was always there hanging around in the background, and the words of this lullabye seemed less sweet than sad. Sometimes while playing this song tears would come to my eyes, but I had to hide them. I couldn't stop playing to wipe them away or else he could tell I was crying. Since my back was turned to him I would just let my tears drip onto the piano keys.

I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
No matter where you go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away...

Fast foward to my wedding, in 2000. Dad was gone, but we got married with his blessing (Peter proposed while Dad was still alive..in front of him in fact!). For the father/daughter dance I chose to dance instead with my older brothers...the closest thing I had to dancing with my Dad. I think I cried during the entire dance, and so did almost everybody in the reception hall. I felt his presence there, echoed in the melody of the lullabye:

Good night my angel, now it's time to dream...
And dream how wonderful your life will be...

Tonight, I put Lauren to bed the same way I did the first night I held her in my arms and rocked her to sleep in the hospital. I sang her lullabye...it belongs to her now, too. I thought of dad tonight and I cried, as I often do while singing this to her. The song has two purposes...one, it helps soothe her to sleep. Two, it's my time to remember dad. I can sing it over and over and over as the memories (mostly happy, but not always) come flooding back.

Someday your child may cry and if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart there will always
be a part of me..
Someday we'll all be gone but lullabyes go on and on
They never die, that's how you and I will be.

It's nights like this that I miss my Daddy so much.